Okay, So Do I Have ADHD?

I don’t know yet; the jury is still out on that. For all I know, I could just be severely traumatised for other reasons and have developed traits often associated with ADHD, but not unique to it. So where do I go from here? The obvious answer is to get diagnosed; however, I might not be able to for several reasons.

Getting a Diagnosis Isn’t That Simple

The first is cost. If I could afford it, I could probably find a qualified professional to carry out an assessment and provide a diagnosis. I would absolutely do it, but I simply cannot afford it. Now, my country has free health care, and I intend to check out the available provision they have for ADHD diagnosis in adults; however, I fear the outlook on that might be grim,

For starters, I have often felt dismissed by healthcare professionals if I’m not visibly bleeding. Secondly, because what I’m dealing with is mental rather than physical, I worry that my country might not yet be equipped to recognize my medical need, or as a man, my concerns will be dismissed with some form of derogatory remark about my manhood.

Also, as a general rule in my country, these things are usually done privately, and private healthcare is not cheap. A quick online search reveals that it could cost over 1,200 USD for a proper assessment. This is money I do not have. Oh, did I mention I’m unemployed and never really managed to hold a job for very long?

So what makes me think I have ADHD?

Well, for as long as I can remember, I’ve been hyperactive. I was always good at school with little effort, even though most teachers had issues with me being unable to settle down. I was also never good at friendships and was never anyone’s best friend. That aside, I always felt awkward in all social settings, but I’m okay with one-on-ones.

I’ve bitten my nails for as long as I can remember; I’m always shaking my legs, I forget things as a rule, and I can’t focus on a task unless I find it interesting. I could go on and on about superficial traits that seem to be ADHD-affiliated; even I don’t think that’s definitive. The things that make me wonder about ADHD most are my experience of Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, my rapid mood swings, and, of course, hours of self-inflicted mental anguish.

The Things That Make Me Question It

While it was very comforting to finally have some kind of explanation for the different experience I seem to have compared with others, I’m scientific enough to understand that correlation does not mean causation. Simply displaying some traits associated with a condition doesn’t mean I have it. I will admit, though, that since this realization, I have felt much better about myself, even though my underlying issues are still pretty much present in my life.

And Then There’s RSD

Oh yeah, then there’s what I believe is RSD, and ironically, it’s actually my biggest worry when creating content for this site because, for sure, people will disagree with me! Oh boy, I’ll have to cross that bridge when I get there, I guess. It also plays a pretty big role in mucking my life up at times. RSD feels like my brain is imploding under the pressure. It’s like your vision narrowing as you black out, and the harder you fight to stay conscious, the faster you fall.

So Where Does That Leave Me?

For now, I can’t get an official diagnosis, but I’m not giving up there. I will continue to explore, watch videos, and read papers online that I think might help me understand myself better. It’s against my nature, of course, but I’ll do my best to follow some kind of order in my investigations. So, for my next piece, I’ll investigate what ADHD actually looks like in adults.